RANTINGS OF A MADMN

today, while i was taking a break from my daily work-related duties and perusing the book of face, i told someone that i couldn't wait to go home.

it was 5:12 when i looked at my cell phone whilst leaving work. that time had come, a short workout at the gym and then HOME!

it was 7:58 on my car radio when i closed the door on an albertson's parking lot. this was my last stop before i got HOME!

i pulled into the driveway, parked and dragged inside my gym bag and a "deluxe roller case" that i had won at work weeks ago.


i cooked dinner, saw my friends off and lied down on the couch to watch three episodes of the sopranos.




it was while lying on the couch in the television screen-lit room that i began to think, "this is what i couldn't wait to get home to?"


i don't know if it was a result of being extremely exhausted from work and the gym, but i began to think about my passions, and if i ever really had any to begin with.

"does there exist anything that brings me joy when i come home anymore?"

"what happened?"



fact of the matter is, anything i could stand to get wrapped up in doesn't really seem worth it anymore. names and numbers in my phone no longer seem all that appealing. music no longer satisfies. hell, i can't even motivate myself to masturbate anymore.

is this where i give up everything i ever once cared about? is this where the stories of failed endeavors, failed relationships and faded friendships i tell to people in 10 years begin?

if so, please, stop.


what do i do now?




the only thing worse than death at this point is the contemplation of future "used to" stories i stand to share with the world.






ugh.

I woke up at 7:45, showered, got gas and then got coffee. I left Albuquerque at around 10am. I got into Gallup around 11:30.

I planned my trip around getting a hold of more of my sweet, sweet medication and seeing my little sister play volleyball.

I missed my little sister's volleyball game.

I then had lunch with my family and Dave, visited Vernon in the hospital, and hit the casino.

I had planned earlier on in the day to leave back to Albuquerque around 7pm.

It was around this time that Dave mentioned hitting the casino again with some other friends.

I looked at the time on my cellphone, thought about it, and decided that I had no reason to go back to Albuquerque that night.


I woke up this morning in my old bedroom and thought, "I don't really have a reason to go back today either."

I wonder if growing up means that all of things you thought you would enjoy, all the new people and the new experiences, would eventually grow to be the biggest annoyances in your life. Not that I'm saying that's where I'm at now, but it certainly feels like it.

It seems as though what certain people have to say about me and those with whom I associate hold more sway than anything I could ever say. Knowing that I could never convince anyone, no matter how hard I seem to try by being myself, is the most frustrating thing ever. Both the saddest thing and the most reassuring thing is knowing that these people will one day realize the error of their ways and I will most likely not be in the mood nor care enough to forgive anyone.

Sure, I don't have many friends or know a whole lot of people, but the friends I do have and the people I do know are quite the bunch. At least we converse and discuss, what I consider to be, important things.

These past few weeks/months have really had me rethinking where I have been in life.

I have a new job, new bands, and more responsibilities. I've been trying this thing where I try to be interested in things other than music and intellectually stimulating conversation, where I try so hard to disregard any disinterest I may possess and get into small talk. I've found it's been really hard. I honestly find more pleasure in annoying those in whom I see no redeeming qualities rather than trying to be their friends.

I attribute a lot of my misery lately to not having any real "love" interests. What can I say? I've been busy trying hard to satisfy my needs in other ways. I guess companionship sort of took the backseat, where it's actually been for the past 23 years. It seems as though when I do try, it doesn't work out. My insanity sort of overtakes me, I can't say anything about how I feel and then it draws out into this long episode that ends with everybody on "good terms," where nobody speaks to one another and pretends that nothing's wrong. All of this happening while not acknowledging the other's presence, knowing damn well that it kills you to have the other around.

God damn it. I need to get out more.

It seems as though I won't be sleeping anytime soon. It sucks, but rules at the same time as it has been quite a while since I've experienced such a sleepless night. I just hope this doesn't happen next week.

I'm giving up dairy. Shit ruins me.